Are you living in Denial?

What is Denial?
Denial, is asserting that a statement or allegation is not true.
However, Denial is also used at times for a psychological defense mechanism, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence.
Denial is to deny the reality of the unpleasant fact altogether.

But why do people go into a denial mode?

We may slip into denial under any situation. For instance, too much smoking, regular drinking, reckless driving, post-retirement changes and mid-life crisis are some problems that we don't want to accept.

Most of the times, it is easy to deny truth when it hurts. Denial means trying to hold on to our own perceptions of reality, when in fact, we are avoiding truth. The reasons could be the fear of having to deal with a consequence.

A lady with 42 years of age says "I am yet to hit forty", whenever someone asks her age as she hates to admit it. To look younger, she tries hard to fit into dresses that are a size lesser than her's. Another lady is terribly overweight but refuses to even step on the weighing scale. She is afraid that the truth may hit her hard.

Under such circumstances, we get trapped in a denial mode and start seeing our life through the proverbial rose-tinted glasses. Age and weight are just some of the issues that most people cannot accept about themselves.

Denial could also be the first stage of a coping cycle.

When an unwelcome change occurs, a trauma of some sort, the first impulse to disbelieve begins the process of coping. That denial, in a healthy mind, slowly rises to greater consciousness.

Gradually becoming a subconscious pressure, just beneath the surface of overt awareness, the mechanism of coping then involves repression, while the person accumulates the emotional resources to fully face the trauma.

Good in the bad

However, denial does have a positive effect at times and can help us to cope with tragedies. Reality may be too painful. At times, denial helps us cope with life's harsh realities. When someone dear to us passes away, denial is the first reaction. First, we undergo a denial, then there is an acceptance and after that comes the feeling of immense sorrow, before life returns to normalcy.

Denial helps us push away, block or modify reality in a way that is acceptable. At the outset, the person in denial may not recognize it, but eventually as time goes by people tend to accept it.

Despite its obvious pitfalls, we can use the denial mode to our advantage by hoping that we can handle any issue without letting circumstances bring us down. The key is in trying to figure out what's happening or what has happened, getting the facts right, clarifying things and taking a decision that is more in tune with us. We can tell our self that I am fat, not obese, so let me make a fitness schedule, diet changes, follow an exercise pattern and get in shape.

We must believe that we can do it.

Denial is a Relationship Maintainer

Casual denial of bad behavior may be acceptable.

Self-denial is at work the most when it comes to relationships. For instance, we use it to overlook the flaws in our partner. At work, we use it to deny problems with the boss and colleagues for a conflict might rock our financial stability. Denial is our coping mechanism that gives us time to adjust to distressing situations.

This denial is not all that bad. It is a relationship maintainer. We don't need to have everyday confrontations. When something shocking or life-threatening happens, like an illness or the death of someone close, denial for a short-period can help you get our bearings together to absorb the pain. This denial is part of the healing process, where we slowly and gently face the reality.

Denial may be good even in stressful situations because it helps us approach the problem with less emotion. Denial of a rift with a friend could save you from an open confrontation. Denial about a life-threatening illness can be a protective defence, till we get our nerves back.

Use Denial Positively

•          Try to see situations from different perspectives
•          Believe in our self, trust others
•          Think of alternatives
•          Remember that the mind comes to terms with reality in a slow safe way

Are we Living in denial?

Everyone is in denial about something - be it a politician, a business tycoon, a star or you and me. Every day, we deny many unpleasant realities of life - like a rift with a friend, being in a bad job or relationship.

What happens when one remains continually in a denial mode?

Being in denial can harm us; we should know the pitfalls of ignoring the truth.
There is a tendency to prevent or at least delay the ability to maturely deal with truth or recognize reality. The signs of denial are when we refuse to listen to the truth and argue over it rather than accept it.
At times, embracing denial mode can prove to be dangerous. For a person diagnosed with an illness such as cancer or AIDS, the revelation can come as a shock. The first reaction is: No, this is not possible! The person may then redo the tests many times and consult several doctors hoping that someone will tell him otherwise. In a way, it is fear or anxiety that brings vulnerability and denial.
It may help you temporarily, when your mind is processing information that your heart isn't ready to accept. But being an escapist in the long run does harm.

When the time we spend denying what's obvious and staring at our faces, lasts for too long, it can damage our ability to tackle challenges.

My friend, 39-year-old lost his job a year ago, but was in denial about his debt. He continued shopping and kept telling his mind that he could pay the bills, despite knowing deep down, he will not be able to.

There are marriages where a partner refuses to deal with a straying spouse simply because it will shatter the perfect picture that he or she has built in the head.

No one likes to give up that cozy feeling of "all is well"; especially when they know it's not true.

In fact, some people live in denial for so long that they create an alternate reality in their head, where their illusions are the only truth. This is not good, as when people reach this stage.

A lot of people can suddenly experience an 'over-the-edge' feeling if the bubble of happiness bursts. They withdraw, become uncommunicative, even suicidal. Confront the issue before we explode and reach a point of 'no return'.

MAKE A 'DENIAL' LIST

Too much denial on a daily basis shows a person has weak coping mechanisms. It also means the person is giving up his personal power too easily.

Don't be scared of denial - It's our mind's way of accepting there's a problem. It's a good sign.

To make ourselves strong is to challenge ourselves to step out of the comfort zone once in a while. "Make a denial list. See what happens if you accept and change some of them. Will life be better or worse?"

The more we deny, the more we stop our mind from finding solutions. Accept, then think and the rest would be easier.

Undo denial to live a fulfilling life. Find out Purpose of your Life! It requires hard work, toughness and strength to rock the boat, but it's worth-it, because your mind becomes light and you feel happy!!!
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Align with the Flow of Life!

To offer no resistance to life is to be in a state of grace, ease and lightness. Acceptance brings peace, happiness and serenity.

The flow is life energy itself! Going with the flow is responding to cues from the Universe.

Going with the Flow isn’t about being passive or lazy. It’s not about just letting things happen “to us”. It’s not aimless wandering. It’s a co-creative act. It doesn’t mean that we will not oppose injustice.  However, at the same time, we need not hesitate to make changes in our lifestyle, updating ourselves along with the times, changing priorities and situations. 

We must constantly attract all that we need at the right time. We must wake up every morning with a big smile on our face, feeling excited about the events that will unfold. To be with Flow is to be in a permanent state of Bliss.

To be at peace with ourselves and with the World around us, feeling grateful and content for the person we are, for our life, for our friends and family, and for the incredible ideas, things, events, people, etc. that keep showing up in our life.

By de-cluttering our life and by making a decision to be always true to ourselves and to always listen to our heart and intuition, we will end up being in a state of Flow, constantly. It feels brilliant to be with the Flow!

Life flows like water in a stream, non-stop.  Time flies as if it has wings.  Time and tide wait for no one. Our childhood never returns, youth never returns. If something remains, these are all just memories of the past – sweet or sour.  Many memories are best forgotten.  By remembering them and living in the past is like nurturing a disease.  The past is gone forever.  The present bypasses the past and the future becomes progress.  Always remember the good times!

Why try to halt the flow of time? It is better to go with the flow.

To be in a state of Flow, is being present, always engaged in whatever we do, letting go of our past, keeping an eye on our dreams, goals, and vision, having a Purpose of Life, a meaning, a direction, but always being present in the now, for that is where life is and always will be!!!

Think of life’s circumstances as waves over which you have no direct control. Meditate on the thought of riding them. Don’t fight or resist them. Be a mental surfer, going with the currents of life, but seeking always, as you ride them, to select the best wave, and the best current. You can ride wisely or foolishly, but you can never command the waves to be as you want them to be, or to go where you want them to go. Learn to flow with life, not against it, if you want to win through to freedom.

When we are in a state of FLOW, all that you we will attract in our life will take little or no effort at all.

“Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

When we go with the flow, we are surfing Life force. Let’s go with it!!!

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Are you suffering from FOMO - The Fear of Missing Out!

FOMO - The Fear of Missing Out!

The New Lifestyle Disorder!!!  

What is FOMO?

FOMO is the fear of missing out on something more interesting or more exciting than what we are doing right now. There is a fear that something might be happening while we are busy in our real life.

FOMO is a social disorder that causes anxiety at not being able to decide which of multiple equally fun-sounding events to be a part of.

FOMO is both an addiction and a phobia. We may suffer from it and not even realize it.

FOMO happens when we invalidate the experience we're having because we're obsessed with the ones we're not having.

FOMO victims are always stressed about what they are missing rather than enjoying what they have in hand.

Remember - The more we fear it, the more we tend to miss out.

FOMO Symptoms

·         Texting while sitting in your car at the red light of an intersection

·         Checking your Twitter stream while out for coffee with a friend

·         Answering your cell phone when you are eating dinner with family members

·         Checking our social networks in a coffee shop with a friend 

Reasons of suffering with FOMO

Strong urge to stay connected with our friends, be it while driving, working, eating, and even while in bed.

We don't want to be alone, and the feeling is so intense that even when we have decided to disconnect, we decide to check with our online presence just to make sure we stay updated.

When we see pictures of our friends having fun at a party that we didn't attend, we go through these emotions wherein we feel left out…

People are always looking for some kind of action. They want a higher level of acceptance in social circumstances and want to be seen as someone who has multiple contacts, which is a sign of affluence and control. When someone misses a particular party, they end up making several calls to find out what happened at the party as they feel left out.

This happens when there is extreme dependence on external approval.

Social media and FOMO

Social media acts as a fuel on FOMO's fire

But what's bad for individuals may just be good for Facebook: People high in FOMO were also more likely to use social media, seemingly driven by a need to see what's going on when they're not around.

So people are glued to their smartphones, obsessively checking mails, WhatsApping, BBMing, texting, or posting on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or individual blogs.

These people are always attuned to the outside world and fear that others are having better experiences.

This is indeed one disorder that we can blame on fast-advancing technology.

As people post their minute-by-minute activities, thoughts, spotlight moments and achievements on social networking sites, it causes envy and restless inadequacy amongst others.

Often we go to bed in deep distress after a session on Facebook. The fact that I’m sitting up in bed on social networking sites makes me feel like such a loser compared to friends tweeting photos from holidays or from happening bars or parties where they are rubbing shoulders with the best.

We need to understand that people exaggerate on social networking sites because everyone wants to project their best side to the world. In that sense, what people with FOMO hanker for isn’t even real.

When Envy Works

In a controlled environment FOMO can be very motivating and encouraging to keep us connected to other people and ideas.

We should use our FOMO as a catalyst to set realistic goals. We can use what other people are doing as inspiration.

Our goal is to let FOMO inspire us to live better, not let it ruin our fun.

FOMO-Free

Let’s promise to each other that as we read this article we will be FOMO-free.

·         We will not worry about what others are doing.

·         We will not get stressed about what else we could be doing.

·         We will not worry about our friends who didn’t accept our friend invite on FB.

·         We will take time away from social media. Doing so will allow us more time to focus on work, household tasks, and activities with family and friends.

·         Let other people in your social media networks know when you are busy to help lower your feelings of being overwhelmed. This will help manage expectations of your followers and they will appreciate your honesty. You let them know that your absences are not personal and are instead about prioritization.

Let’s turn the fear of missing out within and figure out what we would most like to do for our own selves, independent of others.

What is it that enhances life for us?

What gives us a feeling of completion and satisfaction?

Let us focus on our own bucket list, rather than on fake ones created by others!

Let’s identify our PURPOSE OF LIFE and work on to achieve the same.
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Life is all about Balance, You Get what you Give!

It's all about quality of life and finding a happy balance between work and friends and family.

Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment. Similarly, we perform better when our thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance!

Balance your acts and thoughts...

·         When we follow our heart; we must ensure that we also follow your mind

·         When we show up; we must get in touch with Nature

·         Find people you love you; Express your love to the people whom you want to 

·         When we are Happy; we must ensure that we Introspect

·         Dance; Read books

·         When we find a new perspective; we must ensure that we do just what we like

·         Help others; seek help

·         Have a good night sleep; Have night out to gossip with your old friends 

·         Give flowers to people you love; buy yourself flowers

·         Set your goals; Don’t compare yourself with others

·         Spend time with God; keep the romance in your life

·         Make a gratitude List; make your desired funeral speech

·         Want what you have; create a list of things you aspire

·         Pamper your loved one; pamper yourself…

·         Have a sense of wonder; enjoy natural beauty

·         Make time to just have Fun; face you fears…

·         Exercise; watch Television

·         Lighten UP; be open to new Ideas

·         Don’t beat yourself up; be true to yourself

·         Go to Museum; be a couch potato

·         Focus on creating whatever you desire; focus on negative thoughts

Life makes you run in every direction and all you have to do is choose best one!

Happiness is not a matter of intensity; but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony.
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Life's a Roller Coaster – Enjoy the Ride

Life and Roller Coaster

·         Both come in many shapes, designs, and colors.

·         Both start with a big drop; both have ups and downs. It doesn’t really matter if we sit in the front or the back — everyone has a similar experience.

·         Both require participation – watching just isn’t the same; both are more fun when shared with others.

·         Both can be fun for a minute and terrifying the next; sometimes it's thrilling, other times it's scary; both can make you scream and throw up.

·         Both require that you follow the rules for your safety.

·         Both go very fast and don’t last long enough.

All times are not same, be it how we spend 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week, 30 days of a month, 12 months in a year, 10 years in a decade, etc…
We should try to live a balanced life – should not over enjoy triumphs and bravely overcome/ handle low tides.
Our reaction when the “Going is not Good”

How often have we said – “Can't Handle this Anymore!!!”

Times when we feel like there is no one can help us; Times when we are convinced that we are without hope; Times when we are in depression; Times when we feel irritated; Times when our family and friends begin to hate us because we are just constantly giving them attitude; Times when nothing seems to be working; Times when everything seems to be falling leaking through the cracks.

·         Self-victimization - We ask ourselves “Why is this happening to me? Why am I so unlucky? Why doesn’t this happen to anyone else? It’s not fair!”

·         Reacting in anger - We lash back at the situation, or even people around us, for what’s happening.

·         Self-blame - We make self-depreciating comments like “Why am I so stupid to have done that?” “Only someone like me can make such a dumb mistake.”

·         Slipping into depression - We may slip in depression if we’re not careful at managing our emotions.

·         Dejection or giving up - We lose hope, or worse still, we give-up. We decide it’s not worth it, that life is out to get us, and we should just stop trying altogether.

What do you do when bad times come? How do you handle it?  What is your attitude when your well-laid plans crumble into disaster?
“We all have problems. The way we solve them is what makes us different.”
We need to learn to cope up with bad times with perseverance and patience. Trials come for a reason; Bad times are not an end to themselves. They are designed to produce something in our life. The testing of our faith produces endurance. 
Control and Manage our Anxiety

Anxiety is the type of condition that can at times feel so overwhelming that we are convinced that we'll never be able to live a happy life - or live the life that we have always wanted.

But the truth is that anxiety itself is what causes this feeling.

Anxiety has the ability to make your life feel like we are without hope.

We can be cured, and we can find relief, but the only way to find that relief is to commit to the idea that anxiety help exists. That's why, when we feel like it's too much, we have two options:

·         Sit and do nothing, and live with anxiety forever.

·         Commit to change and start on our way to recovery.

Learning to Cope in the Short Run (Quick-Fix / First-Aid)

·         Share - Turn on the TV and lights. Call your close friend / Mentor / Role Model and talk about anything and everything that is in our mind.

·         Physical Exercise - Go out for a very fast run, and when we get tired, wait until we regained some of our strength and run again. Tire out our body so strongly that we can't even think about your physical worries. We can also punch a punching bag or yell as loudly as possible as long as possible. Do all of them if we need to.

·         Jot down in your diary - Anxiety sometimes causes thoughts to roll out of control. They're simply thoughts that we can't stop thinking about. Write them all out. Write down everything that is in our head, and every thought that comes up. Once it's out of our head, we should find ourselves thinking less about it.

·         Accepting and Creating a Plan - Finally, when it feels hopeless right now, we need to give ourselves an opportunity to stop focusing on how it feels now and get ready for how it's going to improve in the future.

Step I - Tell our self that it's okay for us to have anxiety. We need to accept it instead of trying to fight it, because acceptance is the most important tool for believing us that we can overcome it.

Step II – Create a long term plan for the future, with the things we are going to do to find relief/solution.

Are we going to see a therapist? Are we going to ask our doctor about medications? Are we planning on exercising? Are we going to look for a new job, or find any new friends? What if we still suffer from anxiety – what changes will we make?

Decide on what we are going to do and plan it out for the long term – not just days, not just weeks, but months and even years. Having that plan ensures that we are focused on our future, so that what we deal with in the present becomes less important.

Learning to Cope in the Long Run (Permanent Cure)

We simply need to avoid certain traps:

·         Believing we can cure it on our own.

·         Believing that our anxiety is worse / different.

·         Believing that if a treatment doesn't work in a week or so, it's not going to work.

Release your Stress/Frustrations - Don’t bottle them out because we might just collapse. The problem will still remain whether we go berserk at it or whether we think about it calmly. The former will create more problems as our agitation prevents us from making good decisions. Being frustrated isn’t going to solve anything. Talk to a friend about it. A listening ear does wonders. Go exercise and release the tension. Write in your diary.

Don’t self-victimise - No matter what we may think, we are not alone in this. Somewhere around the world, someone else is thinking the exact same thing as we. Someone out there is feeling down and out too, wondering why he/she is experiencing this. Knowing it’s not just you helps you to get out of a self-victimising mindset.

Know we always have a choice - Realize no matter what happens, we always have a choice in how we react. While we may not be able to control what happens to us, we can most certainly control our behaviors. We can face the worst things in the world, but if we make the choice not to let our self be affected by them, we won’t be.

Think Objectively - An incident is an incident; we’re responsible for the feelings attached. Remove the feelings and look at the situation objectively. This will help us cope a lot better.

Create an Action Plan – Focus on what we can do; Action creates empowerment. Actions create possibilities. Action creates results. By taking action, we are no longer a passive recipient; we are a conscious creator.

Ask for help if you need to - It’s okay to ask for help if it makes the situation easier and if it helps. Remember, we are not alone in this.

See it as an obstacle to be overcome - Life is a journey of learning and growth, and everything happens for a reason. Obstacles are the things stopping us from getting our goals, and if we keep overcoming these obstacles, we’ll eventually get what we want.

Identify the lessons learned - There are always things to be learned from every situation to cope up with similar situations in future.

No matter what bad stuff life throws our way, nothing can get us down, as long as we cope with it constructively.
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