My Expectations from Others...

“When expectations rule our lives, we setup ourselves for disappointment”

Most of the disappointment, hurt, and anger in this World come from someone not meeting our expectations, either someone else’s or our own.

Sometimes we expect too much from our spouse, our children, our jobs, and ourselves. When our expectations are unrealistic, instead of inspiring greatness with the high bar we’ve set, we’re more likely to foster disappointment and resentment.

It isn’t that we shouldn’t ever have high expectations; it’s just that we need to be aware of how our expectations can sometimes make us unhappy.

“Low expectations can be a key to happiness.”

How often do we face these situations?

• When I’m driving to work, I expect that people will stop at red lights and go on green.
• I expect that most of my coworkers will come to work on a workday.
• I expect that I will get help from other people during the day as I help other people whenever they need help.
• I expect a perfect job & a perfect spouse.
• I expect my friendships to be reciprocal - give and take.
• I expect Life should be just like the movies
• I am a huge giver and anticipator of the needs of others. This feeling comes from a very deep need for connection.
• My friend/spouse simply does not show it and I end up feeling sad, disappointed and angry that he/she does not meet my expectations.

Our “Expectations” are a product of our upbringing and our values that we bring to the relationship.

Often we tend to believe that the way we treat others should the way we are treated in return. But, unfortunately, this does not always happen.

I used to have expectations of the people that worked for me. I expected them to come to work every day, get to work on time, work diligently throughout the day, take breaks and lunches at the designated times, do what I told them to do exactly how and when I told them to do it.

Whenever they did not meet my expectations, I felt angry and disappointed (which was actually waste of time and energy). Anyone who didn’t meet my expectations was defective. What I wanted was perfection. And then I realized that perfection was really just “my way of doing things”.

We need to realize that our expectations cannot change people. Even if they will, what is the effort, energy and heartburns that will get consumed from either side.

If you do not have expectations, you can never be disappointed.

Communicate your Expectations – Share your expectations openly and honestly with your partner. Don’t end yourself up in a situation - “but she/he should have known”.

The most important part of being in a healthy relationship is good communication.

Most people are not mind readers and the expectation that our friend/partner should “just know” what we want, is going to leave us feel disappointed.

Communicate at the right time - Sharing expectations timely could prevent much sorrows and heartburns. We just can’t assume that our partner is on the same page.

We really need to talk, may be not on the first date, but as soon as we think that our partner is relationship material. I remember one couple that I worked with who divorced.

She assumed they would have children and he didn’t want children but none of them communicated their expectations timely.

Adjusting Your Expectations

• Decide what is reasonable.
• Tone down Your Expectations. Eliminate the word “should” and choose –“I would prefer”. None of us can control other people, try as we might. People behave the way they behave for their own reasons.
• Recognize limitations. Try to identify the limitations or problems that the other person might be facing. It’s also possible that they might have a different agenda than meeting your expectations. Relationships have their limitations. Marital research shows that 69% of relationship issues are basically unsolvable and perpetual. Wise couples accept this and find ways to live around the issues, rather than engaging in constant conflict.
• Be tolerant of other’s views. Respect other’s point of view. People rarely behave exactly the way you want them to. Hope for the best, but expect less.
• Explore alternative ways to get your Expectations met. Take responsibility for your own needs and find workable and acceptable ways of satisfying them.
• Change Your Expectations - By maintaining an accurate awareness of our own realities, we become capable to determine what is truly expected from others.

“There are two ways to be happy: improve your reality or lower your expectations.”

Accepting the Reality: Acceptance is an amazing trait that needs to be actively worked toward. When things do not work out the way we had planned, it is much more beneficial to realize the reality/actuality rather than becoming frustrated about the situation.

Have hope rather than expectations and you will tend not to get disappointed.

An unfortunate pitfall of having high expectations in certain circumstances is that we prevent ourselves from enjoying the experience altogether. If you feel this way in your life, you need to readjust/recalibrate your expectations. Do not expect things out of situations; just go into them with an open mind. This will allow you to fully immerse yourself without the pressure of living up to preconceived notions.

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